So, the time had come…

I armed myself with a glass of whisky, my smart phone and a bunch of pictures I had selected earlier from my Instagram account. Nailed that preparation game! Can I just say how hard it is even at this stage, if you’re not prone to taking everyday selfies. I had to sort through months of pictures of me acting like a twat on nights out in order to find any half respectable images that could pass as profile pictures. Most of my instagram posts tend to be of places i’ve visited, or dogs I’ve crossed paths with and creepily photographed without their owners consent. It isn’t creepy. Dogs are awesome. The majority of the time, selfies aren’t my thing.

Anyway, after jumping this hurdle and finding a small selection of pictures where I looked relatively normal, I began the Tinder registration process. And then…another issue.

I don’t use Facebook. I haven’t since I was about 21 – I just got bored of recycled news and everybody’s outrage at said news. The world doesn’t seem as daunting when you read the stories yourself as they unfold and have discussions with your friends in the pub about them…rather than reading floods and floods of hateful status’. But I’m not here to hate on Facebook. However, this was an issue. I obviously didn’t want to activate my previous account, incase I received an influx of “welcome back!” messages from family and friends I had in the 90’s. So, I created a new one, and after realising that despite creating a new account people would still recognise my name – I changed my name to a fake one on Facebook and figured I’d just use my real one on Tinder. But it doesn’t work like that, oh no. Whatever Facebook name you have feeds through…and so now I have to have an awkward conversation about how ‘Joe Bloggs’ isn’t my real fucking name and then there is obviously going to be an air of mistrust immediately. “Is he a catfish?”, “Is he a convict?” Fuck sake. Aside from these hiccups, I was set up and ready to go…

Now, I have friends who had advised me on an approach to using Tinder. The basic rule seemed to be a 50/50 swipe technique. For those who haven’t heard of it, the basic rule is, swipe right (meaning you’re interested) to 50% of women you genuinely find attractive and would be interested in dating and swipe 50% of women that ‘you would’ if the occasion should arise (unless you pay for premium membership, then just swipe right to anyone and everyone to increase the chances of sex.) The reasoning being that most likely, women are pickier than men, and so probably swipe left more often than not. So, in order to increase chances of a match – lower your standards. Clearly, I chose to ignore this advice and tend to swipe right for girls who are my type/sound like they’d be fun/interesting, regardless of whether I think they’re likely to swipe right for me! However, I am still a man, and of course – there are occasions when I am particularly horny and I hedge my bets toward people who I think may swipe right for me, in the hope that a booty call might be on the cards. DON’T JUDGE ME!

On the whole, my viewpoint on Tinder is, swipe for the people you genuinely find attractive, so that as and when you get match notifications, you are in the knowledge that it is going to be a pleasant surprise and not a ‘did I really swipe right for you?’ kind of situation. Shallow as this may sound, let’s be honest (yes, everyone has accused online dating of being ultimately shallow) if we were to approach someone in a bar and offer to buy them a drink, it would only ever be based on the same principle as someone we ‘swipe right’ for. You see a picture, find them attractive and swipe to match. If anything, online dating is possibly less shallow, because at least 9 times out of 10, we get a mini biography about said person and we can make an informed decision. The classic bar scenario would be based solely on looks to begin with and then deciding whether it is worth the time to get to know them as a person.

This may not be how everyone uses Tinder, but I’d previously used Plenty of Fish to get me through my slutty days (which is a perfectly healthy thing to do after a long relationship, as long as you are responsible about it.) So I figured, I’d take a more mature approach to this app.

I had begun swiping, and sure enough (thank God!) a few matches started popping up…


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